Go "Team"!

 

JOHN MCCAIN     vs.       BARACK OBAMA

The 2008 Major League Presidenting Championship

Red versus blue. Elephant versus Donkey. Republican versus Democrat. Dawgs versus Gators. Wait, scratch that last one. Or should we? What we think of as a legitimate race for the White House is nothing more than a glorified sporting event that is perpetuated by the same media outlets that broadcast our beloved true American sporting events. I expect to see four spectacles going on in the Autumns of election years: college & pro football, the World Series, and the Presidential Election. Not that the election doesn't matter, because it does, but how else can one explain why the two "teams" have team colors, mascots, and rabid fans. That sounds much like every sports team in the United States. We identify those oddly enough with colors and mascots. Hmm, noticing a pattern?

Using football as an example because the fan base for a specific team is about as insane as some Americans' passion for their candidate (the star quarterback) and their team (Congressional candidates, other offices, etc.) as we head down to the final weeks. As poll data comes out about how states feel about their stars, we color code those states with "red" or "blue" depending on if they're leaning toward McCain or Obama. When election day hits, the true insanity begins. As the returns come in, the news media will begin to shade in the states based on the state's "score" (who won the state) and battle for 270 electoral votes (the score necessary to win) will become the scoreboard. Watching this is more exciting than the Super Bowl and game 7 of the World Series combined. It's captivating. At this point, I'd much rather have John Madden, Al Michaels, and what the hell, we'll throw in Bob Costas in their to call this "game". Honestly, that is what this all has become.

 For all the decades this fine country has existed our Presidential election system has mainly focused on the "two major parties". Whether this is the Democrats and Republicans or some other bizarre form of political parties that has yet to morph into the spotlight, it comes down to #1 vs. #2. The ultimate battle. The media makes sure we all know that this exists by completely ignoring every other candidate from every other party that somehow manages to make it on the ballot. There are exceptions mind you (namely H. Ross Perot). These exceptions are given airtime because they sell. Perot's massive ears in 1992 clearly were more exciting that a redneck Governor playing saxophone on the Arsenio Hall show or President Bush (the first one) rambling on about reading his lips. Apparently, we're all deaf. So the media hopped on the Perot bandwagon. In the end, it didn't matter, it came down to Red vs. Blue, Elephant vs. Donkey. A further detailing of the sports comparison now begins.

The regular season of the Major League of Presidenting (sorry W. had to borrow it) begins approximately four years before the election. One of the two teams has one leaving the other to regroup. Candidates form their teams to compete is this season so long it makes Major League Baseball seem as short as little league. The hit the road, showing off their new team to all MLP fans as they cheer, wave signs, even those foam fingers, of course in the color of their favorite team. The regular season runs out quickly, usually January of the election year when the primaries begin. This begins the playoffs.

The playoffs eliminate most candidates quickly. They cannot represent their respective league in the championship rounds. The strong teams, in this year's case Obama, Clinton, and on the Red team, John McCain make it. People wear their team apparel with pride, chant, have signs in their yard, waving, screaming acting like Jackasses and Elephants. The first round of the playoffs concludes once you have narrowed down the process to a minimum of two candidates on either side. Obama and Clinton went a strong 7 game series, coming down to a walk-off homerun for Team 'O' that sealed his appearance in the championship. McCain looked down early, but made a major comeback towards the end of the first half and sealed his trip to the championship. The conference playoffs now end leaving us one candidate from either side.

DEMOCRATIC DONKEYS vs. REPUBLICAN ELEPHANTS

              

Barack Obama John McCain

The two team leaders now representing all of their teams and former opponents square off early. The first and second quarters see little action, with advertisements, stump speeches, and TV appearances talking up their team and why we should start rooting for them. At the conclusion of these interviews, TV stations then show a giant digital map of the United States and start coloring in the states. They predict how the game will end, but oh how is just getting started. After a slow first half, the candidates pull out a fast one before half time. RUNNING MATES. One became two, and the team either grows stronger, or begins to show its weakness. The refs blow their whistles, it's half time.

The half time show isn't nearly as exciting as seeing what goes at the Super Bowl, but it's a spectacle. The conventions are four day long half time shows celebrating everything to do with your team. Music and alcohol are included as are pseudo-inspiring speeches from our team leaders as we all shout out: "GO JACKASSES!" or "GO ELEPHANTS!" "WIN THE BIG GAME!" We then begin making out with the person standing next to us, things are just too damn awesome! After that final day however, things begin getting serious.

The two sides, knowing that the game is much closer than anticipated know they are beginning a tough second half and it's going to take some quick scoring in the third quarter. The speeches become more intense, the ads become dirtier (ex. "John McCain is going to use your tax money to gamble!" or "Barack Obama, yes, he's STILL a Muslim!") and we have the top referees get involved with something called debates. Yes folks, this is where we are in the game, so close, yet so far from the buzzer when states begin to decide which "team" they want for the next four years. Our precious media darlings grill both candidates on all sorts of issues. The candidates respond. After these debates, pundits from the media "score" the candidates. 

"Obama or McCain intercepts the ball from McCain or Obama late in the 3rd quarter to take a commanding lead." 

These headlines COULD happen after one of these debates. It's all about the game. November 4th is when the game will end and teams will know if it's time to start rebuilding for the next four years and the other will enjoy being crowned champion of the MLP and get to live in a big white house until the next battle begins. It's not that the election has become a joke, but when you break it all down, that's all it really is. The Super Bowl, World Series, Kentucky Derby, Stanley Cup, the Presidential Election. Hmm, I like it. What do you say folks, Barack Obama or John McCain on the cover of Sports Illustrated depending on the outcome? I mean c'mon the champions of all other sports just get a picture AT the White House. These champions live in it. 

Final note. Here's to the Tampa Bay Rays winning the American League East and hopefully a successful playoff run.